What Will the 40’s Bring…?

Today I am 40. That seems like a pretty foreign number to associate with myself and I have to wonder what the next ten years will bring.

On my 20th birthday, I felt like an adult. All grown up and an answer for every question. On my birthday, I went through the St. George LDS temple for the first time. One week later, I married Clint in the Manti LDS temple. In my 20’s I had both of my kids, we bought our first house, and for the most part thought life was pretty sweet and that we were on the right track for a happily ever after.

Six months after I turned 30, Caitlin was diagnosed with cancer at the age of three. I had no answers for this and I didn’t want to be one of the adults responsible for making the decisions that needed to be made for her treatment and care. In my early to mid-30’s life pretty much fell apart. We had trials of job loss, excessive debt, an uncertain future for one of our children, and feelings of guilt about the amount of time and energy we could give the other. It felt like we had stumbled into a very large hole that we would never be able to crawl out of and our happily ever after was just a lost dream.

In the past four years, things seem to have turned around. Clint and I have worked like crazy to dig ourselves out of that stinking hole. As I look back, I have made some progress and have grown as a person through the difficult times. I am surprised by how my thoughts and feelings concerning a variety of topics have changed over the past ten years. However, while I have gained wisdom in some areas of my life, I feel like my questions far outweigh my answers. I still struggle to feel comfortable in my own skin and wonder why I can’t keep my opinions to myself in certain situations and why I don’t stand up for what I feel is right in others. Basically, I feel like a child all over again, but in an older body and I am still prone to an occasional temper tantrum.

So what will the 40’s bring? I guess only time will tell. It blows my mind to think it will bring children graduating from school, a mission for Caleb, possibly a marriage, grandchildren…? I just want it all to slow down because every day I am experiencing my happily ever after in one way or another. I am blessed and holy cow, I am 40!