Caitlin got the video camera she wanted for her birthday. She hinted and downright begged for this little gadget.
What I wish we would have given her for her birthday is a bubble; a nice cozy bubble. I would happily help her get in it and let her stay there as long as she wants; her own little refuge from the world.
We found out this week that Caitlin is struggling in school and is significantly behind in her work. It's discouraging. We think it's a combination of Caitlin's inability to organize and understand her teacher's directions and expectations. We're hopeful her teacher will be open to a contract and communicating with us directly. Until a game plan is in place though, I feel frustrated and upset that we haven't known about this problem before this week. She has missing assignments from the first week of school!
Today was more softball drama. My sister gave Caitlin a new softball bat for her birthday and she was so excited to use it today. She ran up to take her turn at bat and actually showed a little confidence. She didn't take any swings and was lucky enough to walk to first, and then run all the bases to score for her team (She told Clint she made a home run, we had to correct her that she made it to home base). However, while she was taking her turn up at bat, there was a runner on third and Caitlin didn't know she was supposed to move out of the way so the runner could run home. Someone (not sure if it was a parent from our team or the other team) yelled out, "Knock her in the head if she won't get out of the way!" Sheesh. That hurt.
The second game of the day was even worse. The pitcher on the other team was a total brute with plenty of intimidation tactics, and her mouthy mother as her coach. She did this weird smack of the ball against her shin, then yelled/grunted when she threw the ball. She threw hard and not always accurately; she hit a few of our players. She then proceeded to threaten some of players on the field that she would hit them with the ball when they were up at bat. The coaches and referee got involved and it got a bit ugly, but the girl was allowed to stay in the game and was still allowed to pitch. When I saw Caitlin put on the batting helmet and get ready to bat, I felt ill but determined to remain calm. Then the next thing I knew, she was on the bleachers, crying that she didn't want to bat. We tried to talk her into taking her turn, but I'll admit I didn't try my hardest to convince her. I'm still not sure what the right thing to do might have been.
So after being at the hospital yesterday where everyone was so happy to see her, and having the insight of knowing how far she's come in her growth and development, it's disappointing and discouraging to experience these little heartaches. I completely understand that I won't be able to protect her from life, but I want to. Clint keeps reminding me that we want her to have a normal life. The more I think about it, I really don't. I want her to have normal experiences while being treated special. It makes these birthdays bittersweet knowing that the older she becomes, the less control we will have in protecting her. All I wanted nine years ago was a lifetime of birthdays; now I just want to slow it all down while I try to toughen up and prepare myself for what is to come. There will be more expectations, more disappointments, more realizations that everything she attempts to do in life may result in failure and hurt. I admit to not being worried about these things with Caleb to the degree I am with Caitlin. I have no idea if it's the cancer, the fact that she's a girl, or that she's my baby. Whatever it is, it weighs heavy on my mind and heart these days.
I think what it comes down to is celebrating the caring and compassionate person Caitlin is today and who she is becoming with each passing year. It's being okay with the fact that she's not a star student or athlete. It's knowing that surviving cancer is huge, but that it doesn't give her a free pass in life and she will still be subjected to life's expectations and struggles. It's learning to be forgiving and kind to those who hurt her (and us). It's about fully living and making the best of what we have.
Here are a few pictures of Caitlin's "home run".
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
keep going jamie! you are a great mom. we all want to have out children to be treated as special as they are to us, unfortunately life just isn't that way. keeping the eternal perspective at times like this make things a little easier!
I am sorry for your pain, Jamie. Watching children grow up brings hurt that nothing can prepare you for. And I think that we expect our cancer kids to do great things all of the time. Remember that she is Heavenly Father's daughter, too, and that He will not leave you alone to raise her. Rejoice in the good things and just keep loving her. And if you discover where they sell those bubbles, let me know. I want some, too.
"A fundamental purpose of earth life is personal growth and attainment. Consequently, there must be times of trial ... Gratefully, in His perfect love, He has provided a way for us to resolve those challenges while growing in strength and capacity" - Richard G. Scott
I totally know how you feel about Caitlin, I feel the same for Josh in everything he does. He struggles a bit in school too, he a good athlete but we have battles with him just to get him to go play. I love how you put it into words so nicely. We want so much for these children who have been through so much and don't want them to struggle their whole life. I think that it is awesome that you choose to visit PCMC at her birthday, you are a remarkable person!
Hello Jamie..so glad to see you are all doing fine especially Caitlin. Continue to be strong. God loves you!
Post a Comment